Emily Part I

I wanted to write a little bit about my experience with my pregnancy, my daughter Emily, and how she came into our lives through what now seems like a whirlwind of events. Some of this is not for the faint of heart so read at your own risk!

First let me start out by saying how crazy we were to start trying to have a baby a couple months after we were married. Sometimes I just laugh, what was I thinking? My close friends and family thought we were crazy too. But here we are today and I wouldn't change a thing.

My husband and I use to go to the temple weekly, before we had kids. One night as we were sitting alone inside the temple, drinking in the quiet peaceful feeling, I told him I felt this crazy prompting that we were suppose to start having kids, now. After only one month of marriage. He stared at me like a deer in headlights, then he laughed. When I told him I was serious, he was a bit freaked out. I did NOT want to start having kids and neither did he. I love my husband but the beginning of our marriage was not all cheerful and exciting like some and adding a kid to it did not sound like a great idea, but that is what I felt. I encouraged him to pray and fast about it. He came back with the same answer, even though we were both sort of hoping otherwise. That is one out of only a couple times I have ever seen him upset with the answer he received. haha! I will make this part of the story short and not chalked full of the juicy details, I was pregnant 2 months later!

Then just a few short weeks after that came the misery of my pregnancies. Vomit. That pretty much sums up my pregnancy. I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) or severe Nausea and vomiting during pregnancy, there is no real way to treat this condition. I was throwing up about every half-hour (even at night) and just stayed curled up in a tight ball with the shades drawn as much as possible. It was so miserable and it made me lose 10 pounds. I remember crying and wishing that I wasn't alive anymore. I got put in the hospital from dehydration multiple times and passed out a few from being so weak. 

Slowly there were good days sprinkled in with the bad, not after the first trimester though like I had hoped. Around week 21-23 I finally started to feel a little better, only puking a few times a day at that point. Yay,that so great right!? She can finally start enjoying her pregnancy. Wrong! 

At week 24 my husband and I packed up to go to his parents house for a few days. It was only a couple hours away and I was finally feeling like I could do a car trip without getting too sick. We were going to head off right after my checkup with the Dr. We went in like any other checkup, he asked a couple questions and if everything is okay I would go on my way, no exam was suppose to happen. My husband was sitting in the room with me, the doctor asked if I had any spotting and I said yes a little. He said that was normal especially since I throw up a lot. For whatever reason (later my husband tells me it is a strong prompting) my husband says he wants me to get an exam. You know, with what we call in our house the "duck lips", otherwise know as cervical exam. Well I can tell you no woman wants to volunteer to get that unless something is seriously wrong. I was reluctant and so was the doctor, but my husband insisted. Little did I know that prompting would save our daughters life. 

So I am sitting there getting my exam and it is silent. My doctor normally jokes with me or talks me through things, this time he was silent and focused. It was probably the longest 2 minute exam of my life. I felt my heart sink when I asked if everything was okay and he didn't answer right away. Finally he let out a heavy sigh and helped me sit up (which he also doesn't normally do, since I was so small I didn't really need the help) something was clearly wrong and my heart was pumping. Most of what he said after that was a blur after he told me, "you need to go straight to the hospital, don't go home and pack a bag or stop for lunch, go straight there!". I was bawling at this point, my baby wasn't dead but she could come at any minute. The sweet doctor gave me a tissue and the biggest hug, almost in a fatherly way he told me it would be okay. When I started asking about chances she would make it and his face got sad I decided I didn't want to hear any of that just yet. He ordered Tyler to take care of me and be gentle on the drive. We rushed to the hospital which luckily wasn't far.

I have an incompetent cervix. Pretty much, my cervix can't hold the pressure and weight of a child and growing utereus. I also later found out that I was in preterm labor at the same time with slightly mild contractions which I thought were just constant cramps. These two things together are not good when you are only 24 weeks gestation. I was 3 cm dilated and my water sack was hanging down through my cevix and could rupture at any time. He was surprised it had not already. 

Thank you Tyler for listening to that prompting and giving us some time! 

When we got to the hospital they checked me in right away and put me in a bed in what they call the 'trendelenburg position', which is feet above head. Here is a photo: (My bed was a bit lower on the feet than shown here)

They told me if I was lucky my water wouldn't break and I could stay in the hospital until I get to a safe point in my pregnancy to deliver. There was hope! They started me on medication that made me feel like my skin was really hot and it gave me a headache. They also gave me two shots of steroids (in the bum/hip) to help Ems lungs develop at a faster pace just incase she did come early. Those shots are like getting peanut butter slowly pushed into you, painful! So as I layed there we started to google everything. I wanted to be well informed on my condition, Emily's odds of survival, everything I could. Well have you ever been told not to google health problems because they will make you crazy and feel no hope. Thats true!  When I saw the odds of survival for Em if she was born I cried, and cried some more. (Yes I cried a lot during all of this..) I let Tyler do all the research after that. The days and nights dragged on. Being in a hospital is boring. I had visitors which helped a lot but really being stuck in bed, stinks. I knew it was worth it though so that gave me drive. I felt sick most of the time because I wasn't allowed to eat for about 4 days (just incase they had to do a C-section) so I only had IV fluids and some broth occasionally. I felt like I couldn't move for fear of my water breaking and losing the baby. I wasn't allowed to get up at all so I had to use a bed pan for the bathroom. Using a bed pan while your feet are above your head is a joke! I had two veins burst and they had to constantly rotate my IV needles in my arms because my veins were to weak from the meds.

Six days after being there my water broke… Late at night I yelled at Ty, "I think my water just broke." He was confused from just waking up so I called the nurse for help. She came in and sure enough it was ruptured. Which started even more intense contractions. They put me on a IV medication called magnesium, or the devil drug. It made me feel like I was being rotated above a fire. My heart was pumping and my head was spinning. I don't remember much of the next 24 hours except every time I woke up I was in pain, so I slept as much as possible. They had to start weening me off due to the affects it was having on my body, but my contractions were still heavy and not letting up. Finally, they told me they would be doing a C-section, it was the safest way for the baby to come. So she wouldn't have to go through the ordeal of coming through the canal, we wanted her best chances since she was already fighting incredible odds at being only 25 weeks gestation. I couldn't stop crying, I just didn't want my sweet baby girl to die. I wanted so badly to keep her safe and I felt like I had failed. As a mother, wife and woman. 

They took me back to begin and the doctors introduced me to the team, all of the ones who would be working on me and the huge group of people there to work on Emily immediately upon arrival. They encouraged me and let me know they called in the best for her since she would be so tiny. Everyone tried to keep things light but I was so sick inside (both from the meds and thinking of losing Em) They gave me a spinal block but it didn't work so they had to do it twice. Silly that something like that would have terrified me before that day, but after all the veins popping and different shots and meds that part seemed like a walk in the park. Finally they began and Tyler was there at my side, wiping my tears and crying some of his own. Whatever happens at least I have him by my side, we are in this together. I hear them say, "she's coming…." My heart stops and I hear this dull very, very far away, muffle of a cry. My baby girl!!!!

 I immediately ask if she is okay. I want to hold her, see her, love her. I don't know how much time I will have with her on this earth, I needed to see her. Unfortunately my wants were not on the priority list. They hooked her up to oxygen and whisked her off to the NICU. I cried from happiness that she was alive and sadness that she wasn't with me, in my arms. It seems like it took them FOREVER to finish closing the incision. Don't these guys know I want to see my baby? Finally they are wheeling my bed down to see her in the NICU. Then I throw up everywhere. Darn this weak stomach of mine. The effects of the spinal hit me hard and I couldn't stop throwing up. This was obviously not a safe thing to have happening in the NICU so they said I couldn't go….I was beyond devastated. I went to a recovery room where I was crying because I didn't get to see her. My family was there and they tried so hard to be comforting. I told them to please go see her and take pictures. So they, along with Ty, went down to the NICU to see Emily while I sat there, alone. The nurses gave me a bunch of high dosed pain meds to help me feel better physically and told me they would make me drowsy. I reluctantly drifted to sleep thinking that when I woke up it may be  to news of losing my daughter, whom I never got to hold in my arms. Little did I know that the battle was just beginning for my sweet Emily.

Not allowed to hold her or touch her but we could hold her hand. This is Tys hand.

Her tiny footprint with a quarter next to it.

To be continued…  Part II will be about Em in the NICU