Emily Part I

I wanted to write a little bit about my experience with my pregnancy, my daughter Emily, and how she came into our lives through what now seems like a whirlwind of events. Some of this is not for the faint of heart so read at your own risk!

First let me start out by saying how crazy we were to start trying to have a baby a couple months after we were married. Sometimes I just laugh, what was I thinking? My close friends and family thought we were crazy too. But here we are today and I wouldn't change a thing.

My husband and I use to go to the temple weekly, before we had kids. One night as we were sitting alone inside the temple, drinking in the quiet peaceful feeling, I told him I felt this crazy prompting that we were suppose to start having kids, now. After only one month of marriage. He stared at me like a deer in headlights, then he laughed. When I told him I was serious, he was a bit freaked out. I did NOT want to start having kids and neither did he. I love my husband but the beginning of our marriage was not all cheerful and exciting like some and adding a kid to it did not sound like a great idea, but that is what I felt. I encouraged him to pray and fast about it. He came back with the same answer, even though we were both sort of hoping otherwise. That is one out of only a couple times I have ever seen him upset with the answer he received. haha! I will make this part of the story short and not chalked full of the juicy details, I was pregnant 2 months later!

Then just a few short weeks after that came the misery of my pregnancies. Vomit. That pretty much sums up my pregnancy. I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) or severe Nausea and vomiting during pregnancy, there is no real way to treat this condition. I was throwing up about every half-hour (even at night) and just stayed curled up in a tight ball with the shades drawn as much as possible. It was so miserable and it made me lose 10 pounds. I remember crying and wishing that I wasn't alive anymore. I got put in the hospital from dehydration multiple times and passed out a few from being so weak. 

Slowly there were good days sprinkled in with the bad, not after the first trimester though like I had hoped. Around week 21-23 I finally started to feel a little better, only puking a few times a day at that point. Yay,that so great right!? She can finally start enjoying her pregnancy. Wrong! 

At week 24 my husband and I packed up to go to his parents house for a few days. It was only a couple hours away and I was finally feeling like I could do a car trip without getting too sick. We were going to head off right after my checkup with the Dr. We went in like any other checkup, he asked a couple questions and if everything is okay I would go on my way, no exam was suppose to happen. My husband was sitting in the room with me, the doctor asked if I had any spotting and I said yes a little. He said that was normal especially since I throw up a lot. For whatever reason (later my husband tells me it is a strong prompting) my husband says he wants me to get an exam. You know, with what we call in our house the "duck lips", otherwise know as cervical exam. Well I can tell you no woman wants to volunteer to get that unless something is seriously wrong. I was reluctant and so was the doctor, but my husband insisted. Little did I know that prompting would save our daughters life. 

So I am sitting there getting my exam and it is silent. My doctor normally jokes with me or talks me through things, this time he was silent and focused. It was probably the longest 2 minute exam of my life. I felt my heart sink when I asked if everything was okay and he didn't answer right away. Finally he let out a heavy sigh and helped me sit up (which he also doesn't normally do, since I was so small I didn't really need the help) something was clearly wrong and my heart was pumping. Most of what he said after that was a blur after he told me, "you need to go straight to the hospital, don't go home and pack a bag or stop for lunch, go straight there!". I was bawling at this point, my baby wasn't dead but she could come at any minute. The sweet doctor gave me a tissue and the biggest hug, almost in a fatherly way he told me it would be okay. When I started asking about chances she would make it and his face got sad I decided I didn't want to hear any of that just yet. He ordered Tyler to take care of me and be gentle on the drive. We rushed to the hospital which luckily wasn't far.

I have an incompetent cervix. Pretty much, my cervix can't hold the pressure and weight of a child and growing utereus. I also later found out that I was in preterm labor at the same time with slightly mild contractions which I thought were just constant cramps. These two things together are not good when you are only 24 weeks gestation. I was 3 cm dilated and my water sack was hanging down through my cevix and could rupture at any time. He was surprised it had not already. 

Thank you Tyler for listening to that prompting and giving us some time! 

When we got to the hospital they checked me in right away and put me in a bed in what they call the 'trendelenburg position', which is feet above head. Here is a photo: (My bed was a bit lower on the feet than shown here)

They told me if I was lucky my water wouldn't break and I could stay in the hospital until I get to a safe point in my pregnancy to deliver. There was hope! They started me on medication that made me feel like my skin was really hot and it gave me a headache. They also gave me two shots of steroids (in the bum/hip) to help Ems lungs develop at a faster pace just incase she did come early. Those shots are like getting peanut butter slowly pushed into you, painful! So as I layed there we started to google everything. I wanted to be well informed on my condition, Emily's odds of survival, everything I could. Well have you ever been told not to google health problems because they will make you crazy and feel no hope. Thats true!  When I saw the odds of survival for Em if she was born I cried, and cried some more. (Yes I cried a lot during all of this..) I let Tyler do all the research after that. The days and nights dragged on. Being in a hospital is boring. I had visitors which helped a lot but really being stuck in bed, stinks. I knew it was worth it though so that gave me drive. I felt sick most of the time because I wasn't allowed to eat for about 4 days (just incase they had to do a C-section) so I only had IV fluids and some broth occasionally. I felt like I couldn't move for fear of my water breaking and losing the baby. I wasn't allowed to get up at all so I had to use a bed pan for the bathroom. Using a bed pan while your feet are above your head is a joke! I had two veins burst and they had to constantly rotate my IV needles in my arms because my veins were to weak from the meds.

Six days after being there my water broke… Late at night I yelled at Ty, "I think my water just broke." He was confused from just waking up so I called the nurse for help. She came in and sure enough it was ruptured. Which started even more intense contractions. They put me on a IV medication called magnesium, or the devil drug. It made me feel like I was being rotated above a fire. My heart was pumping and my head was spinning. I don't remember much of the next 24 hours except every time I woke up I was in pain, so I slept as much as possible. They had to start weening me off due to the affects it was having on my body, but my contractions were still heavy and not letting up. Finally, they told me they would be doing a C-section, it was the safest way for the baby to come. So she wouldn't have to go through the ordeal of coming through the canal, we wanted her best chances since she was already fighting incredible odds at being only 25 weeks gestation. I couldn't stop crying, I just didn't want my sweet baby girl to die. I wanted so badly to keep her safe and I felt like I had failed. As a mother, wife and woman. 

They took me back to begin and the doctors introduced me to the team, all of the ones who would be working on me and the huge group of people there to work on Emily immediately upon arrival. They encouraged me and let me know they called in the best for her since she would be so tiny. Everyone tried to keep things light but I was so sick inside (both from the meds and thinking of losing Em) They gave me a spinal block but it didn't work so they had to do it twice. Silly that something like that would have terrified me before that day, but after all the veins popping and different shots and meds that part seemed like a walk in the park. Finally they began and Tyler was there at my side, wiping my tears and crying some of his own. Whatever happens at least I have him by my side, we are in this together. I hear them say, "she's coming…." My heart stops and I hear this dull very, very far away, muffle of a cry. My baby girl!!!!

 I immediately ask if she is okay. I want to hold her, see her, love her. I don't know how much time I will have with her on this earth, I needed to see her. Unfortunately my wants were not on the priority list. They hooked her up to oxygen and whisked her off to the NICU. I cried from happiness that she was alive and sadness that she wasn't with me, in my arms. It seems like it took them FOREVER to finish closing the incision. Don't these guys know I want to see my baby? Finally they are wheeling my bed down to see her in the NICU. Then I throw up everywhere. Darn this weak stomach of mine. The effects of the spinal hit me hard and I couldn't stop throwing up. This was obviously not a safe thing to have happening in the NICU so they said I couldn't go….I was beyond devastated. I went to a recovery room where I was crying because I didn't get to see her. My family was there and they tried so hard to be comforting. I told them to please go see her and take pictures. So they, along with Ty, went down to the NICU to see Emily while I sat there, alone. The nurses gave me a bunch of high dosed pain meds to help me feel better physically and told me they would make me drowsy. I reluctantly drifted to sleep thinking that when I woke up it may be  to news of losing my daughter, whom I never got to hold in my arms. Little did I know that the battle was just beginning for my sweet Emily.

Not allowed to hold her or touch her but we could hold her hand. This is Tys hand.

Her tiny footprint with a quarter next to it.

To be continued…  Part II will be about Em in the NICU

What not to tell a new mom

I remember those first few days home with my sweet baby. The smell of her skin, the way what little hair she had tickled my cheek. I remember thinking that in that moment, I could not love anyone as much as I loved her. I also, however, remember the long nights of trying to get her to sleep. I remember the worry I felt in my chest when she still wasn't rolling over or meeting all the milestones that other kids were. I think some of the things I wish I didn't remember are the comments that my 'elders' made to me. You know the more experienced moms that have teenaged or grown children. I remember hearing things like, "Just wait until they are teenagers", or "this is the easy part". At the time I remember thinking to myself that I was weak for thinking that this was so hard when in reality, this was "the easy part." How could I complain when I haven't had a teenager to deal with yet?

Well let me tell you mothers, something I wish I would have told myself a LONG time ago. Don't listen to them! So much negativity coming from some of these people. Although I am sure most of them have good intentions, I just don't think they really stop to think about what they are saying. 

Taking care of a newborn and taking care of a teenager are different struggles. Why compare the two? Why make a new mother feel more discouraged when she is already so worn down? If we are telling you we are tired, it is not so you can tell us to bad, it gets worse. We want encouragement. We want to know that someone else out there understands. I think there are few times in my life where I have needed a reality check, someone to tell me to count my blessings. But this was always done best by someone I love telling me to look at the positive, never by someone telling me it could be worse. That is an instant way for me to harden my heart and get even more downtrodden. 

We as mothers should unite and bring "comfort to those that stand in need of comfort". (Mosiah 18:9) Stop telling us to suck it up and wait for the storm thats ahead. Let us know that, this to shall pass. Tell us to enjoy it because it goes by so quick. As a young mother, unaware of what I was getting myself into at the time, some sympathy would have been so nice. I had a very close friend and mother figure in my life cry with me on the phone when I told her about my youngest son who had colic. The first few months were a dark place for me. I was beyond tired, depressed, frustrated and so much more. She told me about her experience with her daughter, she reminded me that I was not alone. She will never know how much that meant to me. That, as a tired sullen mom, it was exactly what I needed. 

Lets stop criticizing each other and lend a hand to each other. Let us uplift one another in motherhood so that we can all make it out of this with a few less grey hairs.

The sweet girl who was a pretty good baby but kept me up with my thoughts while she was in the NICU for three months. I spent many nights praying that she would make it through.

Then my sweet Mikey. He was early and had a couple weeks in the hospital, which to us seemed great.  He was such a difficult baby though. He would scream and scream. He is still difficult but is easier than he was. 

Ain't no mountain high enough...

I have a mountain to climb people! What is it? No it is not the mountain of dishes or laundry as usual but instead my fear of photographing people. This mountain has been trying to push back my dreams for far to long. I am going to start taking photographs, of families, couples, kids and whatever other fun things I can find. Yesterday I posted onto a couple of local pages about a giveaway for a free family or couple photoshoot (to be done as weather warms). Eeek! That is a big step for me. I love taking pictures and being behind the camera but I need to get better at posing and guiding people through the photo shoot. Well there is no way to get better unless I practice. I would really like to be fully operational by next year. But will do a few free shoots and lots of discounted shoots this year to help build my portfolio. If you have seen my Facebook you know I love nothing more than taking photos of my family, especially these adorable and sweet kiddos of mine. However, I want to give that excitement and joy of my photographs to others too! 

I have spent the one or two extra hours a day that I have watching youtube videos of photographers that I admire and the tips that they give. Okay sometimes my insomnia makes me have the extra couple of hours a day, but hey, at least I am being productive with that time now. They have given me so many tips and I can not wait to put their advise into action! I hope one day to have the confidence to make videos giving tips to people like me, who just need a little more understanding of what looks good versus what looks great in a photo. Maybe one day I will even have admires, you know besides my sweet husband who I have convinced that I can do no wrong. ;) 

Something that actually helped me to want to jump in to photography again was something a friend of mine said. I told her that I was nervous about taking pictures of people besides my friends and family. She said: "I look at it as, hey, they like my pictures enough to ask me to take theirs, so what have I got to worry about?" (Thanks Kara!) Can you say, Ah Ha moment? They are coming to ME. They like my work and have a vast amount of other options, but they came to ME. So time to get over the whole, 'I am not good enough', speech and realize, I may not be top of my field…yet, but I am good enough! Here is to more new photography adventures. 

This new year thing has me wanting to change so many things! I am really digging it, sometimes a fresh year can really put things into perspective. Now I just have to keep up this attitude for the rest of the year. Wish me luck! I will post the link to my Facebook photography page {Simply Photography} incase anyone is interested. Happy New Year everyone, find what inspires you and go for it!

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Simply-Photography/334443143233526

And here are just a few shots from my Sister in-laws wedding at the end of summer 2013!

Reality

Okay I think this blogging thing has become therapeutic for me. That means I may unleash the side of me I don't want anyone to see, you know, the real side. Reality this week is realizing how much of a grudge holder I am. I can remember so many of the hurtful things that were said or done to me, even though I have supposedly 'forgiven' these people. Why do I do this?? Sigh, I guess no one is perfect. That being said I am still striving to be as perfect as I can be. I would like to blame my struggle to forgive on my less than perfect past, or other such woes but in reality it is probably my stubbornness. Something I try to work on constantly but always lingers around. Letting go of some of the things of the past is a must for me. That being easier said than done, it will probably take a while for me to change my ways. Hey, at least I am starting down the right road. The road to recovery; Recovering some past relationships that may have been, or are still being, hindered do to my lack of humility and forgiving.  

I want the Lord to forgive me on a daily basis. I want my kids to forgive me when I have a long day and raise my voice at them out of frustration. I want my husband to forgive me when I forget to do something he ask. Why then do I not forgive everyone else? Well starting today I will try. Try to remember that, much like myself, no one is perfect. Things are said out of anger or frustration that never should have been said. I don't want to lose any more relationships over things that were said weeks, months or even years ago, that I can not get over. Now if only it were as easy as writing on my blog makes it seem to be. I guess all good things are worth working for. 

Prayer

Today in relief society the theme of the discussion was prayer. Even though this is a topic I hear about often in the church, it is one I rarely get tired of talking about. It is so easy to get caught up in the redundancy of thanking the Lord for our family and then blessing my family to be safe. Do I take the time to pray about people specifically, such as our ward leaders or sisters I vist teach? Do I take time to think about the Lords blessings in my life? How often I get so tired I barely even remember what I said in my prayer the next day.

A friend commented that, (this is not exact wording but as close as I could remember) "Sometimes we think about prayer in a way where we are praying because God is someone we should respect and we are just doing our service or duty to him. We need to remember that it is a relationship just like any other. It is a father daughter and friendly relationship." I loved this! It reminds me that, in order for this relationship to reach its potential I must constantly be communicating. Communication meaning not only do I sit and talk, or pray, but I listen as well. Another thought was given that, "we should listen as much as we talk during prayers." I know for me I get so caught up in saying my prayer and wanting to be finished that rarely do I pause for a response. Even though I am not asking a question, it doesn't mean the Lord doesn't have something important he wants to tell me.

The lesson today really inspired me to not get into bad praying habits. I shouldn't wait until I am about to fall asleep so I am to tired to concentrate. I should listen to the spirit and remember that our communication should go both ways. The Lord has given me so much, the least that I can do is give him some of my time in return. I hope this year I can work on having more spiritually directed prayers and less redundant ones. 

Don't blink

As a child I never understood the meaning of 'time flying'. Now I am realizing more and more each day as I watch my children grow. What brought this along? Ty and I went to the primary breakfast where Emily met her new Sunbeam teacher. I know, I know, she is in sunbeams! I can't believe it either. It is exciting and scary all at the same time. Mostly I loved to watch her interact with the teachers by answering questions about Jesus and temples. She can tell them her name, how to spell it, and sometimes show them how to write it. Instead of wanting to sit on my lap she scooted over next to her new friend, (anyone her age she sees is her new friend) and was content without even looking over her shoulder. Sigh. I can only imagine how fast the next few years are going to go by. Time to go find a cookie so I can bribe her to sit with me and watch a movie. Excuse me while I flood the blog with sweet pictures of my girl.

Starting over

It has been a while since I have done any blogging (almost three years actually) and so I deleted the old blog and decided to start fresh. A quick update on the family: Tyler and I have been married almost 5 years now, it is going by so fast and though we have been through many trials together, there is no one I would have rather gone through it with. Em is becoming quite the diva, she is giving us a bit of sass but she more than makes up for it with snuggles and sweet moments. Mikey, my little man, holds a very special place in my heart. Don't get me wrong, Em will always be my baby girl but there is something about that bond between a mom and her little boy. He still is not sleeping all the great but I try to think of it as extra time to snuggle him at night, when it is just him and me. I am trying so hard to cherish these moments with them before they get to old to sit in my lap or give me kisses. They really are young for such a short time.

I hope to do better keeping this blog updated with our families journeys, especially our journey through the adoption process. I have been researching blogs, websites, and any pamphlets I can get my hands on but with the start of the new year it is time to take the steps to start searching out agencies, doing home studies, and filing paperwork…lots and lots of paper work. Just reading the blogs and watching youtube videos has made me misty eyed more than a few times. I am sure this journey will take its toll but how worth it is the end goal, when we will be able to see what ever face is meant to be added to our eternal family. I can't wait! 

I will probably post pictures every time I write, to me it is something I live for (other than my sweet family and my church), to hear the shutter and to share the moments I capture brings me great joy.