Impact

So often we don't realize the impact our choices can make. Please keep an open mind and heart while you read my post. I tried to keep the facts as current as possible when pulling in my information but feel free to correct them with a link to support your information so I can correct it if needed. Some of the post below is my opinion and perspective but there are a lot of facts straight from reliable sources (United Nations, Department of Defense, National Institute of health, American Physiological Journal, etc) as well. I hope to reach the hearts of those reading this

This is going to be another difficult subject to talk about, sexual exploitation. This topic not only hits home to me because of what I have been through but it’s also a subject I am starting to realize many people are in the dark about. Unless sexual trauma has touched your life personally or through someone you love, it can seem unreal. It isn’t something that you think of, let alone research. I am back on the blog-sphere to shed some light on this topic.

Okay let’s jump into the meat of it; although there are many issues that I would love to touch on in the sex industry we will focus on strip clubs with this post. Despite the growing number of women who are speaking out publicly about the abuse and violence they have experienced while working in strip clubs, they are still seen as normal by a growing number of people. This is likely due to the fact that those who have gone have only ever experienced positive emotions. 

Dancers jobs are to make you feel good about being there, to remove the guilt or shame you would likely have if you knew the truth about some of them. They help take away the taboo of the strip club with their most alluring smiles so that you believe they are on the stage enjoying themselves. They have to fake it because, let’s face it, no one would want to get a lap dance from a girl crying and telling you she is forced to be there.

Just to be sure everyone knows, there are definitely woman who are there by CHOICE. They want to be there and are pocketing all the money. They feel empowered when they step on the stage and are in no way being forced. Those are not the women I am focusing on in this post. I am talking about the ones who are being forced to be there and the other almost 85% of woman working in a strip club who are survivors of sexual assault. These statics are true for most women working in the sex industry (including porn). If you have any experience with sexual assault or are close to someone who has experienced it, it does a lot of emotional damage. A lot of times you seek out the admiration of others to feel pretty, accepted, and important. I know this because I have vast experience with these feelings myself.

These women are looking for attention to feel they are worthy.  Some of these girls were raped and abused regularly as children, assaulted in college or high school, maybe had someone they were close to take advantage of them. Now working at these clubs, they are more than 65% likely to be sexually assaulted again. Some feel like strip clubs are one of the safest places to work at in the industry because of the ‘no touch’ rule most clubs have. This rule is only obeyed about 50% of the time. It is likely that these girls are being touched in ways they do not consent to in at least 2 out of every 5 times they give a dance, which is where they make most of their money. A lot of these women are likely to have admirers that will harass them, follow them, and threaten them if they don’t get what they think they have paid for. The dancers feel they have to accept the constant boundary crossing and the possibility of being assaulted every night as part of the hazards of the job. Even dancers who start out stripping because its empowering often end up in the arms of predators with an agenda. Its estimated that 2/3 of the women dancing dont want to be there. Could you imagine doing anything sexual with someone knowing they dont want to be apart of it?

Anything sexual should only be done with consent. PERIOD. 

Another note, I know that this happens to men and children too. Not just women. I think it is also important to point out that some clubs have tried enforcing stricter laws and offering more protection for the girls who work there but so many girls are still slipping through the cracks  and forced to work. This doesn't include the host of women there with an altered perception of reality due to past traumas. My post is not a blanket statement that applies to all dancers, but does, unfortunately, apply to a large amount of them. 

To the patrons of the clubs, will you have an open mind while you ask yourself these questions? If it were a member of your family or your wife, would you want them to be forced to get naked and grind their body against other men? Would you still want to look at a girls body who has been sexually assaulted by her father since she was young-her mind is warped into believing that she is only worthy for other men to objectify her? Wouldn't you rather this woman see her worth with her clothes on? If you don’t know where these women come from, if they are there on their own free will or being forced, is it worth it to go? If only one girl in 30 (odds are extremely high that its more)  you see in that club tonight is 17 and being forced to take her clothes off, is it worth it. Knowing that the one you unknowingly pay the most to and are the most excited to see naked is being made to take her clothes off, entertain you, and give all that money to a pimp...Some of these girls are FORCED to be there to please you by some handler or pimp. Please consider the damage you could be inflicting and the trafficking you are potentially supporting by being there. If you wouldn't force a woman off stage to do something sexual please don't walk into these places and do it. Especially having read this. You now know it's a world wide epidemic. You dont have to trust this information you can go to more credible sources and find the same info.The girls may have a smile, but they drink and do drugs to numb the pain and depression they feel inside. Think about how terrible that girls life may be outside that club and instead of looking her in the eyes and offering help, you're condoning it and looking at her body. Teaching her the objectification she's been forced to take part in is okay with you.

If you are a dancer in one of these situations and stumble on this post, know you are not alone. There are so many others out there. You are worthy, and amazing. You don’t need to take your clothes off to feel validation or get someone to notice you. The right guy will want you to keep your clothes on and still think you are beautiful. They will honor and respect your body and other women’s bodies. Please look for an opportunity to get help, get out of whatever situation you are in and don’t lose hope. It is so easy to feel helpless and worthless but you are so much more than that! Find someone who can be understanding of what you have been through. Someone who makes you want to be better and who will understand your sensitivities and needs. Most importantly, find that strength in yourself. It is going to take time, It is a never ending road of growth to find your strength but you can do it! Write me and I will be your strength if you need it.

Some people have no idea how dark these places can be for the dancers because it’s a positive and fun experience for them and their friends. But once you know the truth, it's hard to see these places as anything but a prison for some of these women and a gateway to being trafficked for others. I understand that it is a hard reality to grasp for some. Its hard to see it as bad if you have grown up thinking it is okay or surrounded by people who feel it is okay. Don’t just take my word for it, research and understand more for yourself before making choices. There are plenty of stats out there, and also woman sharing their experiences working in the clubs. Just remember to think about these girls as people, think about if it were your friend, a sister or younger sibling that has been abducted and forced to strip. Realize how desperate they are for a different life, to return home, or for someone to help them and love them, not leer at them.

Due to my past, which you can read some about in my other post, I'm extremely sensitive to the topic of sexual exploitation in any form. I have been objectified since I was very young, I was taught early that being looked at, touched and talked to in a certain way was a part of life. For a long time I believed it and led my life that way with men. I use to need validation from men so much that I sacrificed my worth and value many times to get it. I have put myself in compromising situations, and shared myself in ways I felt I needed to just to hear that someone cared about me or even just to hear them call me pretty. My worth was entirely dependent on the amount of attention I could get from a man. Luckily, I had amazing people around me who have supported me to where I do not feel the need to have that as often. I realize how special it is to give my body to someone, even just from a photo. I am thankful to have people in my life to remind me of my worth and encourages me to love myself. I now have vulnerabilities and insecurities I will need my future partner to be sensitive of, and the right person for me will be understanding of my needs. It's nice to have my support system so I dont feel like I need to settle for someone who can't understand my sensitivity to certain issues. Now when I need it, I have friends I can turn to and get the compassion that I need instead of making poor choices to get the gratification I thought I needed. Unfortunately, there are many women who do not have the support I do.

I say this a lot but its true, its time to open our eyes and see things for what they are, not what we want them to be. Just like when I discussed child abuse, so many want to believe it is not an issue. Most wouldn't recognize the signs in a child or family of whats going on behind closed doors. There are a lot of terrible things happening in the world, but there is also a lot of good. We can't blind ourselves to the bad, we need to educate ourselves and stand up to it. I will ask you to please stand up for these women. Educate yourself on this issue and avoid strip clubs, no matter how 'fun or entertaining' things can seem.  Don't feed into the perception of what they have been taught, that their worth comes from their body. Don't pay into the hands of their pimps forcing them on that stage.

Someone being on stage because their vision of themselves is skewed by abuse and neglect is continuing the cycle. We should turn our eyes away from their bodies and help them get the care they need to build their self esteem, to get them out of compromising situations that they have to drug themselves up just to be in. Please take time to research this on your own there are 1000's of personal stories out there and stats. If you read only one story, try this one. If you do not believe in religion you can stop reading once you get to the part toward the end (Titled "I thought I would spontaneously combust"), but read the beginning how she got into trafficking, the realities of it, and how she is helping people now. In this link:

https://www.dallasnews.com/opinion/commentary/2019/02/24/how-a-regular-girl-from-keller-became-a-victim-of-sex-trafficking-and-managed-to-escape/

She shares her heartbreaking story but also her heroism. I hope to be more of an activist once I am stronger myself. She has a first hand account of what happens and how dangerous strip clubs can be for the vulnerable (most of the women there are vulnerable)

https://zhiphopcleveland.com/4451099/jada-pinkett-smith-sheds-light-on-atlantas-strip-club-scene-and-sex-trafficking/

Stand up for these girls that cant stand for themselves. You can make a difference. Even the smallest stone thrown in a lake will make a ripple. Share this knowledge with others. Help anyone you may come into contact with who is involved or may become involved. You can make a difference.

A few facts not mentioned above:
-Human trafficking earns global profits of roughly $150 Billion a year for traffickers, $99 billion of that comes from commercial sexual exploitation.
- Globally, an estimated 71% of enslaved people are women and girls, the remaining account for men and boys.
-Reports indicate that a large number of survivors were at one time in the foster care system and many whom were sexually abused (this stat hit close to home).
-Many organizations, including the Department of Defense have characterized human trafficking as the worlds fastest growing crime and the one reaping some of the largest payouts. 
-According to United Nations, the most common form of human trafficking is for sexual exploitation (including stripping, massage parlors and prostitution).
-Traffickers can be men and women. Often working together to remain under the radar.

If you are feeling touched and want to learn more, here are another few links to help understand sexual exploitation and trafficking. Some are just stats and some are stories:
- https://www.theepochtimes.com/trafficking_3152248.html
- https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/social-sciences/sex-trafficking 
- https://zhiphopcleveland.com/4451099/jada-pinkett-smith-sheds-light-on-atlantas-strip-club-scene-and-sex-trafficking/
- https://withtwowings.org/adult-entertainment-sex-trafficking/
- https://www.wiscnews.com/bdc/news/local/crime-and-courts/hartford-man-guilty-of-sex-trafficking-at-dodge-county-strip/article_6b760301-ae5b-5b80-9a5d-1ea4cd11165f.html
-dosomething.org

*No proof reading has been done. I will get around to proofing eventually but decided to just write about the information I already had with the raw emotion I was feeling in the moment...Spread kindness y'all. 

My health...or lack there of

This morning I went to the doctors to discuss some treatment options for a condition of mine; I have started to faint/almost faint on a regular bases when I stand up. It has been scary and we haven't really talked to anyone about it because I didn't know exactly what was going on and if it is something that was permanent. Apparently it is, what the doctors believe to be, a condition called PoTS. Here is an article about that.

http://www.patient.co.uk/health/postural-tachycardia-syndrome-pots-leaflet

Luckily I don't have it super severely and I just have to be very cautious of my salt intake (have eat a ton of salt), water, and get up as slow as a grandma. Even with those precautions I may faint so don't be to surprise if you are around me and it happens. We are still trying to find out why I have it but they do not always find an underline cause. They believe mine could be related to my prolonged amount of time on bed rest with my last pregnancy.

Which brings me to the next topic on my mind

 Having babies has made me, someone who once was super healthy, active and happy with herself, feel broken. From PCOS and hormonal problems, HG (violently ill throughout entire pregnancy) and 6 months of bed rest which led to a host of other problems such as losing bone mass, weight gain that I have been unable to loose, and PoTs (some of which I am just learning about) I have asked myself on rough days if I did the right thing. Of course I always end with a resounding yes, but still, it has really put me through quite a lot and hasn't left me feeling super great.

I am so glad on rough days that heavenly father decided to send me a super snugly little boy!

Okay lastly I have been seeing a psychiatrist for a while now for my PTSD symptoms. I didn't even know I had PTSD until a couple years ago but it wasn't surprising to find out considering my past. It is really helping to find out my triggers and work through ways of feeling safe again. It feels great to feel more in control of my emotions and to understand them. Especially in the areas of anxiety/depression. I feel like there are times in my life where people where not seeing the real me, they would be seeing a reaction to something they did and neither them or I would understand why I was being 'emotional'. Things such as someone raising their voice, even in excitement (but especially frustration), would set off alarms and put me in flight or fight mode. Luckily knowing these things and others now helps me not to get set off easily (mostly) and helps me have better relationships with others.

So why, you might ask, am I telling the world all of this?
One, because I feel like if you and I are going to be friends you should know these things. If I have to cancel a plan on you it may be because I have fainted or because I am feeling unsafe. I am never doing it because I am flaking out and I will always be there when anyone needs me. It also helps you to better understand who I am.

Two, I think to often people don't talk about their problems, especially when it comes to mental health. It should never be something people are ashamed of because then people will refuse to get help. I know, trust me. Be open about your struggles and rely on friends and family who care and want to be invested in you to get better. I have a great support system outside of the normal 'family' that most people have. With both parents in heaven now I rely heavily on my husband and others I consider family to be my support system.

Anyways, feel free to ask me questions in a private message, phone call, etc. Some of this may be news to you and others will feel as though they have wasted their time because they know all of this. :) If you are reading this and feel like you have no one to talk to about your condition (be it mental or physical) please reach out to me or someone else you trust. You would be surprised with how many people are struggling in silence.

When did the tornado touch down?

Cranky, tired, and overwhelmed are just a few of the titles my close friends and sweet family may describe me as the last couple of weeks. Unfortunately I didn't even realize I was in such a bad mood until the last few days. Michael has been saying the word "go" a lot. I could not figure out where he got it from, then I thought about it and had an a-ha moment! I have been telling the dog to "go to bed", I tell Emily and Michael to "go to the playroom" and many other times I say we are going here or (my least favorite to admit) "go away!" It made me sad that of the few words he knows go is one of them. Not because it is a bad word but because that means it is a word that is said frequently in our home. I want him to be saying things like, yay, happy, boo (for peek-a-boo) and other games we play. Which he does know a lot of other sweet words, but this one is just a bit concerning for me.

I was talking to a good friend of mine and was reminded of why I have been feeling overwhelmed and it helped me to put things into perspective. Our family is going through a lot of large life changing experiences along with some extra not so pleasant things. Looking at it this way helped me to prioritize some things and realize that it is okay to be overwhelmed. I just need to go about things a little differently than before, the house doesn't always have to be perfect. I can have Michael help with the laundry for a little bit, even if that means he makes it a little harder to get things done. I can put off making a home cooked dinner for a frozen pizza if I need to. 

I want Michael to say more kind and loving words, and I want to be the one who teaches him! Sometimes it just takes talking to a good friend to realize that you don't have to be perfect and by trying to be perfect it is really just bringing more stress onto yourself, which in turn makes you (well me) more crabby.

As for what is going on with us that is making me so crazy; I will start off with the good things. We are buying a house for the first time! We are beyond excited but I have never realized how much work it is! There is so much paperwork and meetings that we have to fit into Tylers work schedule. We are also looking at the foster to adopt program. We start an 8 week class in the next couple of months that you have to take to get into the program. Before we start the class there are a ton of hoops, aka paperwork, that you have to jump through to get started. Last but not least, drum roll… I am starting college classes again at UMUC (online classes). But of course it requires transcripts to be sent, lots of paper work to apply for grants, and scholarships. Also lots of paperwork to get instate tuition for being a military dependent. These are all such awesome things going on but all together, happening in the same two months, they have a lot of stress that comes with them. 

Now for the ugly, we have been dealing with a neighbor who threatened our family's life. There is an investigation going on right now so I can't say much more about what happen but it was scary and at the time and we are still living next to them. It keeps me awake until late at night and I spend a good amount of time triple checking to make sure the doors and windows are locked tight. There has been a lot of dealing with that which has me on edge and accounts for the reason I am so tired! But I know in time this to shall pass and we will have a new house, new neighbors and sun shiny skies ahead!

Well that was my a-ha moment and some new things going on with us! It feels a bit like a tornado has hit us and I don't even remember it happening. Luckily I have an awesome husband by my side to clean up the crazy that it left behind! Until next time ~

Unexpected feelings

  As fathers day approaches my first thoughts go to my dear husband. He is such a great dad to our sweet children, he encompasses all the attributes a good father should have. However, after thinking about how I married a kick-butt man I think about my own father.
 
  When I think of my own father I get overwhelmed with emotion. He wasn't always the best person, he has done things that he shouldn't have, especially to my brother and I. That being said, I always knew he loved me. I am sure it was hard raising us as a single parent for so long. But he was always there for me and made me feel like I could accomplish anything with a lot of hardwork. Loosing him was so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I thought it would be almost like a relief, after all he had put me through I wasn't expecting to feel so torn up about it. I miss being able to call and talk to him about my situation and to get genuine advise on things, granted some of his advise was a little out there, but it always came from a place of love.

  I am glad that I was able to tell him how much I love him before he passed. Losing people you love is hard and confusing. There is no way I could accurately describe my emotions associated with losing my parents but it is like loosing a piece of yourself. I hope they are happy and thinking of me as much as I think of them. They are no longer in pain and are together after so long apart. I love and miss them a ton especially my dad. Happy fathers day to all the important guys in my life past and present.

Lets play catch up

So my babies had their birthdays recently and it was such a bitter sweet occasion. Em turned 4 and Michael turned 1. They have both grown up so much in the past few months and although it is great to see them explore and learn, the time seems to be flying by. Em will be in school next fall, when did that happen??? She sang her first song in primary up on the stage for mothers day. She mostly did a lot of smiling and looking around, but it was adorable nonetheless. That girl loves friends, which is anybody that will talk to her. She also loves to dance and help mommy cook. I just love this gorgeous girl to pieces.
My little guy, who just a few months ago could barely take a couple of steps, is now running around and getting into everything. He is such a little firecracker! These two have such distinct and different personalities which has been so much fun to watch. Em is pretty laid back and easy to deal with, she only has the occasional tantrum and is a great helper. Michael loves to cuddle (when he is not screaming and running around like a crazy person) but is really so much harder than Emily. He screams all the time, if he is happy, sad, frustrated, or just feels like screaming. It can really drain my patience some days. We are learning how to keep him happy but also trying to get him to realize it is not okay to act this way. So pretty much I am driving myself crazy. hahaha I think (or at least hope) this is all just another phase and once he can communicate better everyone will be happier. Even if I have had the hardest day with him, when he gives me a kiss and curls up for a cuddle with me my heart just melts and it makes everything worth it.

Thats the catch up with the littles! :)

We need a change

I woke up in a sweat last night, with tears streaming down my face. My heart was pumping through my chest and I was curled up into a ball. This happens from time to time for me, it's normal. Well, it's my normal. I took a deep breath and tried to push back the dream, the nightmare, the memory.

When I was young and naive I thought my life was normal. I thought everyone lived in silence, in fear. I thought my bruises and the harsh words thrown at me were my fault for not being a good girl. Surely I wasn't the only one being tied up and left in a hot room alone because I didn't do a good enough job when I cleaned the dishes. Every ones dad likes to shower with their daughters, that's normal, right?

Now that I know this and many other things I went through were not normal I wonder why anyone could have let my brother and I live that way. I went to school with bruises and black eyes. Social services were called frequently by neighbors who would hear us crying and screaming for help. Then we would move, to a new area where no one would ask questions, for a while. Why didn't the teachers speak up? Why did people not say something to my dad when they saw him openly hit us in public? Why did the Social workers always give him just one more chance?

I write this for the purpose of making people aware of what is going on in the world around them. Please, we need to change. If you are a teacher, a neighbor or a bystander do not turn a blind eye to these children. They need you more than you will ever know. Their spirits are weak and they need your strength. If you have children, look into their sweet eyes. Think about their smile, their laugh. Think of their sweet spirits and innocence. There are people and parents abusing children of all ages, taking their innocence and everything precious from them. Treat these children the way you treat your own. Do not just stand by and feel sorry for them, stand up for them!

If you are someone that is being abused or has been abused, my heart hurts for you. Know that my prayers go out to you and to soften the heart of your abuser everyday. Turn to the Lord to help ease your burdens. Most of all, get out! Find someone you trust and get out of that situation as soon as possible. You are smart, you are strong, you are beautiful/handsome and you have more worth than you know. There is another world out there that is kind and loving, seek after it.

I am so grateful for the special person in my life who gave me the strength with the shortest and most simple of letters to get out. Because that person had the courage to tell me I am strong enough to get out of the situation, I believe she truly saved me. She gave me a life that I could have only dreamed of growing up. I hope that we can all learn to be more like her. Helping those that need our help even when it may inconvenience or be hard for us.

The last thing I ask is that you love all children (and people in general). I am not going to hold my breath and wait for a change in the states system. It is up to all of us to try to compensate for these children who get lost in the never ending statement of: "I will give you one more chance to prove you won't abuse your child, again." You have no idea what any child is going through. Their parent, the person who is suppose to love them the most, could be tearing them down at home. We need to be building children up. Be kind, be understanding, be slow to judge and quick to help. Listen to them, you could be giving them more love and hope than anyone else ever has.

Emily Part I

I wanted to write a little bit about my experience with my pregnancy, my daughter Emily, and how she came into our lives through what now seems like a whirlwind of events. Some of this is not for the faint of heart so read at your own risk!

First let me start out by saying how crazy we were to start trying to have a baby a couple months after we were married. Sometimes I just laugh, what was I thinking? My close friends and family thought we were crazy too. But here we are today and I wouldn't change a thing.

My husband and I use to go to the temple weekly, before we had kids. One night as we were sitting alone inside the temple, drinking in the quiet peaceful feeling, I told him I felt this crazy prompting that we were suppose to start having kids, now. After only one month of marriage. He stared at me like a deer in headlights, then he laughed. When I told him I was serious, he was a bit freaked out. I did NOT want to start having kids and neither did he. I love my husband but the beginning of our marriage was not all cheerful and exciting like some and adding a kid to it did not sound like a great idea, but that is what I felt. I encouraged him to pray and fast about it. He came back with the same answer, even though we were both sort of hoping otherwise. That is one out of only a couple times I have ever seen him upset with the answer he received. haha! I will make this part of the story short and not chalked full of the juicy details, I was pregnant 2 months later!

Then just a few short weeks after that came the misery of my pregnancies. Vomit. That pretty much sums up my pregnancy. I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) or severe Nausea and vomiting during pregnancy, there is no real way to treat this condition. I was throwing up about every half-hour (even at night) and just stayed curled up in a tight ball with the shades drawn as much as possible. It was so miserable and it made me lose 10 pounds. I remember crying and wishing that I wasn't alive anymore. I got put in the hospital from dehydration multiple times and passed out a few from being so weak. 

Slowly there were good days sprinkled in with the bad, not after the first trimester though like I had hoped. Around week 21-23 I finally started to feel a little better, only puking a few times a day at that point. Yay,that so great right!? She can finally start enjoying her pregnancy. Wrong! 

At week 24 my husband and I packed up to go to his parents house for a few days. It was only a couple hours away and I was finally feeling like I could do a car trip without getting too sick. We were going to head off right after my checkup with the Dr. We went in like any other checkup, he asked a couple questions and if everything is okay I would go on my way, no exam was suppose to happen. My husband was sitting in the room with me, the doctor asked if I had any spotting and I said yes a little. He said that was normal especially since I throw up a lot. For whatever reason (later my husband tells me it is a strong prompting) my husband says he wants me to get an exam. You know, with what we call in our house the "duck lips", otherwise know as cervical exam. Well I can tell you no woman wants to volunteer to get that unless something is seriously wrong. I was reluctant and so was the doctor, but my husband insisted. Little did I know that prompting would save our daughters life. 

So I am sitting there getting my exam and it is silent. My doctor normally jokes with me or talks me through things, this time he was silent and focused. It was probably the longest 2 minute exam of my life. I felt my heart sink when I asked if everything was okay and he didn't answer right away. Finally he let out a heavy sigh and helped me sit up (which he also doesn't normally do, since I was so small I didn't really need the help) something was clearly wrong and my heart was pumping. Most of what he said after that was a blur after he told me, "you need to go straight to the hospital, don't go home and pack a bag or stop for lunch, go straight there!". I was bawling at this point, my baby wasn't dead but she could come at any minute. The sweet doctor gave me a tissue and the biggest hug, almost in a fatherly way he told me it would be okay. When I started asking about chances she would make it and his face got sad I decided I didn't want to hear any of that just yet. He ordered Tyler to take care of me and be gentle on the drive. We rushed to the hospital which luckily wasn't far.

I have an incompetent cervix. Pretty much, my cervix can't hold the pressure and weight of a child and growing utereus. I also later found out that I was in preterm labor at the same time with slightly mild contractions which I thought were just constant cramps. These two things together are not good when you are only 24 weeks gestation. I was 3 cm dilated and my water sack was hanging down through my cevix and could rupture at any time. He was surprised it had not already. 

Thank you Tyler for listening to that prompting and giving us some time! 

When we got to the hospital they checked me in right away and put me in a bed in what they call the 'trendelenburg position', which is feet above head. Here is a photo: (My bed was a bit lower on the feet than shown here)

They told me if I was lucky my water wouldn't break and I could stay in the hospital until I get to a safe point in my pregnancy to deliver. There was hope! They started me on medication that made me feel like my skin was really hot and it gave me a headache. They also gave me two shots of steroids (in the bum/hip) to help Ems lungs develop at a faster pace just incase she did come early. Those shots are like getting peanut butter slowly pushed into you, painful! So as I layed there we started to google everything. I wanted to be well informed on my condition, Emily's odds of survival, everything I could. Well have you ever been told not to google health problems because they will make you crazy and feel no hope. Thats true!  When I saw the odds of survival for Em if she was born I cried, and cried some more. (Yes I cried a lot during all of this..) I let Tyler do all the research after that. The days and nights dragged on. Being in a hospital is boring. I had visitors which helped a lot but really being stuck in bed, stinks. I knew it was worth it though so that gave me drive. I felt sick most of the time because I wasn't allowed to eat for about 4 days (just incase they had to do a C-section) so I only had IV fluids and some broth occasionally. I felt like I couldn't move for fear of my water breaking and losing the baby. I wasn't allowed to get up at all so I had to use a bed pan for the bathroom. Using a bed pan while your feet are above your head is a joke! I had two veins burst and they had to constantly rotate my IV needles in my arms because my veins were to weak from the meds.

Six days after being there my water broke… Late at night I yelled at Ty, "I think my water just broke." He was confused from just waking up so I called the nurse for help. She came in and sure enough it was ruptured. Which started even more intense contractions. They put me on a IV medication called magnesium, or the devil drug. It made me feel like I was being rotated above a fire. My heart was pumping and my head was spinning. I don't remember much of the next 24 hours except every time I woke up I was in pain, so I slept as much as possible. They had to start weening me off due to the affects it was having on my body, but my contractions were still heavy and not letting up. Finally, they told me they would be doing a C-section, it was the safest way for the baby to come. So she wouldn't have to go through the ordeal of coming through the canal, we wanted her best chances since she was already fighting incredible odds at being only 25 weeks gestation. I couldn't stop crying, I just didn't want my sweet baby girl to die. I wanted so badly to keep her safe and I felt like I had failed. As a mother, wife and woman. 

They took me back to begin and the doctors introduced me to the team, all of the ones who would be working on me and the huge group of people there to work on Emily immediately upon arrival. They encouraged me and let me know they called in the best for her since she would be so tiny. Everyone tried to keep things light but I was so sick inside (both from the meds and thinking of losing Em) They gave me a spinal block but it didn't work so they had to do it twice. Silly that something like that would have terrified me before that day, but after all the veins popping and different shots and meds that part seemed like a walk in the park. Finally they began and Tyler was there at my side, wiping my tears and crying some of his own. Whatever happens at least I have him by my side, we are in this together. I hear them say, "she's coming…." My heart stops and I hear this dull very, very far away, muffle of a cry. My baby girl!!!!

 I immediately ask if she is okay. I want to hold her, see her, love her. I don't know how much time I will have with her on this earth, I needed to see her. Unfortunately my wants were not on the priority list. They hooked her up to oxygen and whisked her off to the NICU. I cried from happiness that she was alive and sadness that she wasn't with me, in my arms. It seems like it took them FOREVER to finish closing the incision. Don't these guys know I want to see my baby? Finally they are wheeling my bed down to see her in the NICU. Then I throw up everywhere. Darn this weak stomach of mine. The effects of the spinal hit me hard and I couldn't stop throwing up. This was obviously not a safe thing to have happening in the NICU so they said I couldn't go….I was beyond devastated. I went to a recovery room where I was crying because I didn't get to see her. My family was there and they tried so hard to be comforting. I told them to please go see her and take pictures. So they, along with Ty, went down to the NICU to see Emily while I sat there, alone. The nurses gave me a bunch of high dosed pain meds to help me feel better physically and told me they would make me drowsy. I reluctantly drifted to sleep thinking that when I woke up it may be  to news of losing my daughter, whom I never got to hold in my arms. Little did I know that the battle was just beginning for my sweet Emily.

Not allowed to hold her or touch her but we could hold her hand. This is Tys hand.

Her tiny footprint with a quarter next to it.

To be continued…  Part II will be about Em in the NICU